A fear of confrontation usually sits behind inaction, facilitating poor performance because we are afraid to get feedback, address an issue or deal with an aggressive customer or client. 

“There's been a history of tolerating bad behavior from clients. The staff don't feel supported by management so they don't feel able to address it or stand up for themselves. They're not provided the tools they need for handling conflict.” 

Liane Nelson, Veterinary Services Manager at Zoetis Inc. 

How do we address that situation? 

Some people have a natural predisposition to avoid confrontation; others don’t. But sometimes, it’s because of things we experienced when we were younger that affect our ability to communicate when we’re older. 

Parent/Child Communication or Parent/Parent Communication 

Parent communication style has a few different dynamics: the nurturing, controlling, or critical parent. Often, the person creating a confrontational situation can be combative (a parental style of communication), which is entirely appropriate with an actual child. 

The problem comes when someone adopts a parental mode of communication towards another adult. This means the other person chooses an alternative style of communication, because the parental tone has already been used. 

It is possible that both people choose the parent’s style of communication, which often leads to arguing back or matching that confrontation.  

💡 Something to remember is that when a style of communication is consistently reinforced, with nobody changing from parent, or child, into adult, it changes from being just a communication style into being an actual role that you play for that person. 

The end result is that communication can become toxic. 

Which Role Are You Playing? 

To stop fearing confrontation, we first need to examine our own communication style. 

We should also reflect on our relationships with our customers and colleagues and whether we are using an unhelpful communication style with them. How often do we flip back into adult mode and use something more productive? 

💡 The more time we can spend in an adult style of communication, the less confrontation needs to be something we fear and more something we can treat like any other communication. 

The image below shows this process in a visual way: 

Shifting Old Dynamics 

There are two ways to think about how to shift a dynamic that has been entrenched for a while.  

Firstly, if something has been a problem for a while you mustn’t assume you can fix it quickly with a magical conversation that will solve the problem immediately. 

How do we address that situation?  

💡 You must refrain from speaking about what the other person should be doing or what they need to change. 

Only speak for yourself about how it makes you feel and then ask questions to understand how the other person feels. 

Keep any conversation fact-based as far as possible, when you’re describing specific scenarios. Try to avoid statements like, “I feel like you” and “You always do this,” sticking to phrases like, “This happened on this day, and when this happened, I experienced this.” 

Try to stick to fact-based statements that keep the dialogue calm and rational and refrain from personalizing things or criticizing the other person. 

Here are 3 questions to think about… 

1. Is the problem real or perceived? What are the facts? 
2. How would a stranger approach the same situation? 
3. What would your best self do to handle this situation brilliantly? 

This blog has been written in relation to The Lost Vet book. Read the full book for more amazing tips.

Read the Full Book

Perfect Confrontation with The Lost Vet 

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